I'm not one for sugar-coating anything. I'm hurt. I'm scared. I am thirty-nine years old and maybe for the very first time in nearly four decades....I am truly single. Alone, no phone numbers, no back-up, no anyone.
Me Shooting Long bow to RISE UP
I spent the better part of a week in a sloppy, sad pity party for myself and then I sat up and realized that everything is just beginning if I so choose it to be.
Relationships are hard. My Divorce feels like a big red "F" on my life's report card. My heart recently got broken (again.) and I find myself less angry or confused or blaming; but single-focused.
Instead of running through the laundry list of my faults or possible reasons things don't work out in my relationships I am turning into myself-Full introspection.
I've gained and lost weight and beat myself up about it. I have had mood swings that could make a typhoon peel back. I have made mistakes, earned some karma and I'm still standing. It is easier to point a finger or blame old partners for "this" and "that" but I'm too old now and I know better. Whatever happened, happened because I either allowed it, caused it, or attracted some low vibrational energy that I ( I repeat) that I was putting out into the relationship. So here I am. Sweet.
I'm not looking for a "hoo-rah." I don't want pity or pats on the back in some thin-solidarity singledom-pep rally. I think I'm sharing this post and video because the bottom line is when life kicks you in the guts the point is that we have the choice.
We have the choice to see ourselves as able and worthy; NOT entitled. We have the choice to NOT hold on to anger or past mistakes, but instead, to look to the future with the seasoned eyes of a human who has hurt and healed (or is still healing..) and had to claw back from a dark, vapid, easy-to-fall-into-place.
If only one man or woman reads this, watches my silly video of my empowering hobby of archery and thinks to themselves: "I can rise up." or " It gets a little better day by day." Then that is worth everything to me. I am alone. I have one family member miles away and three beautiful kids to raise but in times like these I am alone. The thing I choose right now is to trust myself.
The best gift, I think anyway, that we can give ourselves is the truth and the trust we deserve about who we are, who we've been and most importantly, who we want to be.
I want to be strong. I want to be happy. I want to be better than I was yesterday, last week, last year. Maybe I'm knocking on forty's door...and I'm carrying some strings and baggage but I choose to be a better decision-maker, life-liver and love-giver, today, right now....
fully single and nose-deep in my strong suit.
So whatever you might be facing today. Whatever ugly doubt is trying to convince you that you can't do it...RISE up. RISE UP a little, a lot, for a minute, for a year...just keep RISING until you don't ever question your God-given right to do so.
I love you, I love me, I love throwing fast arrows with a bow, I even love some of my "extra padding" that my ex-boyfriend hated, so love yourself, love each other. Love.
"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."