Friday, July 31, 2015

Expectations: Part 3 "Attachment to Outcomes creates attachments to the uncontrollable."

Continued from Expectations: Part 2 "The Boogey Man in Relationships."

I don’t know much but I’m learning. I’m learning that most things are NOT personal at all. My mother left when I was fourteen. It’s an old, tired, boring story to me now. She didn’t do it personally to me. She did it because SHE needed to do it for her. It’s on her, not me. Yet, I spent a good portion of my life attaching to that outcome and therefore manifesting all these abandonments in my life, and giving myself reason and self-pity to draw back to it repeatedly.

If you get zen-like, and look solely at facts and all the different situations, conditions and life forces that come into play....It seems a bit insane to expect. Of course we set goals, we reassess them, though. We could avoid disappointments with simply realizing how many other uncontrollable factors play into it. 

My distaste or major aversion to a person is usually (if I’m being honest) because something about that person resembles a darker insight about myself that I fear and detest, or worse, MY feelings of inadequacy are in the way of allowing them TO BE THEM, and not pass judgment because I have attached some value or outcome to how things should be. It’s so simple, and yet so difficult to do. 

I’m accused of all kinds of things all the time. I’m too honest. I love too big. I have no filter. I am wily and unpredictable, and I am cold and detached or extreme. These are all labels, no? That is correlated only with some type of expectation or outcome or outward perception of what I SHOULD BE. 

Guess what? I’m also scared to be honest sometimes that I fold in on myself. I need routine and order to be calm. I am emotionally sweeping and connected to so many people and things, and I can sometimes operate in this monotone level of clarity and lack of extremes. So why then are there so many labels? 

I can save you the suspense: We all have the yin and yang in us. We ALL can be all ends of the spectrums in extremes and in moderations. The only things that keep us comfortable with labels or the convenience of finding buckets and perfectly applied notions that fit us as a “personality” or “type” is because it feels easier. We know what to expect if someone is a banker, or a stripper, or a novelist, or a scientist, or catholic or Muslim or all the labels we use to manifest the ideas we have of people and things. 

They don’t work though. I learned this early. I imagine that’s why I’m so confusing to people. I think it’s easier to say I’m “Fake” or “lost” than for most people to acknowledge that within themselves is the exact same capacity to be at all ends of things. We are taught and learn how to stick with one thing or another. In school “are you creative or good at math” are you “assertive or passive?”  “Are you a leader or a follower?” “A girly-girl or tom-boy?” 

I remember being five years old and thinking people were all dumb. I know, it’s horrible to write it, horrible to say it, but as a child I remember the moment, the dress and the feeling I had when I saw all the hypocrisy. I saw my own parents struggling to be in the mold or boxes they themselves had created. I distinctly remember sitting in the family room, in a white chair with bright yellow cushions.
I remember looking at my mother distant and seemingly wistful for another life, pick up the phone and putting on an immediately cheerful  tone with someone who had called. In that instant, my father walked through the garage door. He did this silly Flintstone’s call to my sister and I, whenever he came home, and with his leather mahogany-colored briefcase with gold notches in one hand, he would raise the other and scream “Yabba Dabba Dooooooooooo” and we would run to him.

That day, he didn’t. He was stressed or somehow not happy. He kicked the door closed behind him with one leg. I looked at him quizzically, waiting for the Flintstones. Nothing. And that was fine by me. I’d rather not we all pretend. 

Then, he heard my sister running down the stairs yelling “Dadddddd-yy????”  And it registered. He clicked into mode and put on the show…I saw through it. I didn’t participate because I had seen his face and his eyes that spoke of a different mood and something heavy on his mind. YES, it is commendable to put your kids first, and to keep with traditions. I also think it’s perfectly healthy to acknowledge when your mood changes, because if not, the expectations remain for everyone that all things stay the same no matter what.

They do not. They will not. That is what has the power to ruin us all. 

I knew that at five. I forgot it for decades and I’ve never been more sure now. A simple, seemingly non-eventful moment explained to me then that it is impossible to incapsulate everything and everyone into expectations. They will disappoint (expectations, and people) so like that child in me, I have recently decided to detach from expected outcomes and hope for things.

Hope and love courageously, instead with pure belief (not expectations) in the possibility of whatever it is that may come next, and more importantly, that whatever that ends up being, is exactly what I need at that moment.

Here's to holding hope, not expectations!


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Expectations Part 2: The Boogey Man in Relationships.

Imagine if there were no limiting beliefs due to expectations? I expect that if I go to the doctor every year I won’t get sick. No…You may get cancer and be very angry and not understand why and get bitter because you “did everything right.” 

Or you may change the perspective just a smidgen by thinking I go to the doctor because it feels good to keep in check of my health.
I don’t expect it to that it negates all possibilities of me falling, instead I trust that my job is to value my gift of life and health and I shall maintain it. That is my intention. 

There are no conditions or circumstances from which I believe I am free or safe from harm, but I also equally believe that there are no conditions that stop me from living the most full and healthy life imaginable. Either are possibilities, and I flow with what will come. 

Same goes for a partner in a relationship. I have spent nearly two decades trying to master how to set, maintain and deal with love expectations and the changing of who we are and how we deal with each other. It is silliness as I look back. 

It’s a trick bag for me as I am creative and extreme and loving and funny. I have been known in many relationships to write surveys and questionnaires for anniversaries like a business would have a review. I make them playful and fun. I like to set goals and keep a pulse on where we are. I like the idea of saying those things we find perfectly acceptable to say in work, jobs, and other agreements, but we rarely if ever do it in relationships. 

Why don’t we ask: “What could I do better?” How does_______ make you feel?” “What recent changes have you noticed and what do you find beneficial about them, or is there something that has been less so?” 

These to me are incredible ways to learn about each other and to stay the course with how two people  evolve or dissolve or merely get stagnant or lost or incredibly motivated to carry on. All of those things happen, and should if one is truely living. 

People die. Jobs are lost and babies are born. New discoveries lead to new truths, yet we don’t check in with the other? Not deeply anyway. It’s more of a date-night dinner of conversations that don’t make us uncomfortable or tired or bring up stuff we “cant deal with tonight.” Because work was long, or we have a headache, or we’re in a good mood so let’s not ruin that?

Is this based on some expectation of where we would end up if we truly talked about how we feel? I’ll say this…. I’ve never met a person that didn’t want to talk about himself or herself when truly being listened to. The environment must feel safe, and the listener can’t attack or blame, but when someone feel heard, they are open to letting go of controls and expectations. 

I always say: 
“All it takes is one person to disarm, and the white flags fly up faster than you can get your own accountability on display.” 
That’s a huge defining point of any relationship. Friendship, marriage or siblings can all benefit from believing and understanding that fact. How many times have you been in an argument in the heat of a moment and got to an impasse and just stopped?  That is when we start to just hold onto our ground. The ego takes over, the negative rhetoric and the need to feel right or meet whatever expectation we had in advance of that debate overwhelms.

The thing is, nothing is gained at all. Only resentment, fear of sharing, anger, and so many other negative emotions start to build and fester. How many times have you been pretending to still be angry or rubbed wrong about something you realized later was not worth the effort?

Too many, I know.  It’s in that moment where one of you makes the call, writes the text, gives the hug, starts to cry, cracks a joke, or somehow diffuses the negative combative energy by laying ego and the attachment to a certain outcome aside. 

When this happens it is like the entire room or space between you clears and fills with freshness, relief and beauty. This is intimacy, and this is connection. It is what makes love possible. It is the entire basis for all things that gravitate us towards each other. No one wants to stalemate. No one wants to sit in anger or disappointment in someone else. Even if we don’t want to agree, there are a multitude of other options. We can say simple things (without sarcasm) : ‘I really do understand now, how you might feel that way. I’m sorry I was being so stubborn. We don’t have to agree on the point, but we don’t have to let this one disagreement take over all the other things we are to each other.”

That’s the point. When one person disarms, the ability to surrender your attachment is so much easier. We mirror each other. We do it physically and psychologically. Someone gets pissy with you, you find your reaction typically is to return the “Favor.” That’s attachment to what they’ve done and assuming it has anything to do with you. 

Consider assuming nothing is personal.  That every word, every compliment and negative rumor is not something derived of you and you alone. Instead, most of the time the things we think, say and feel are coming from ourselves. 

The woman who adores the dress on you sees herself in it and thinks she would look pretty. The man who makes a crack at your work ethic and no-nonsense “get it down” over-achieving, either resents himself for doing the same and not being able to reel it in, or is the opposite and feels threatened.

Either way, why are you taking it so personally? What would happen if you didn't? Try it, it strangely changes so many perspectives.Consider assuming nothing is personal. That every word, every compliment and negative rumor is not something derived of you and you alone. Instead, most of the time the things we think, say and feel are coming from ourselves.

The woman who adores the dress on you sees herself in it and thinks she would look pretty. The man who makes a crack at your work ethic and no-nonsense “get it down” over-achieving, either resents himself for doing the same and not being able to reel it in, or is the opposite and feels threatened. Either way, why are you taking it in as personal?

Check back for the final post on Expectations: "Attachments to Outcomes Creates Attachments to the Uncontrollable."

Expectations: Part 1 - Attachment to Outcomes Kills Magic.

Life is so bizarrely beautiful. These are the little nudges of the universe and the divine intelligence that helps us move along our way. I love it as magic too. Or sacred truth that reveals itself only to those who are ready and open. Once you see the magic and once you believe there is an entire orchestrated symphony of miracles and beauty that jumps out everyday. It is the laws of attraction or boomerang effect.

It is the power of thoughts and faith.  Many of us walk around looking at things, seeing them, doing them, but never really embracing the whole of it. We see each day as a new page or a long string of days leading up to whatever the next big “Event” there is to look forward to. This is so wrong.

I myself used to do it. I would say: “I need something to look forward to.” I’d focus on a vacation coming or a holiday or anything that presented hope, and every time I found I was somehow disappointed. Why? Because the external way of getting to a certain timeframe or an expectation is never fulfilling. It is only fleeting. It can be a great time or a wonderful experience, but the true fulfillment in our soul doesn’t come from having GOTTEN there. Instead, we get sad, and disillusioned again when it’s over.

I still do this although I know better. I actually do something worse: I start to get sad and upset BEFORE it's over (the vacation, experience, trip, movie, song) because of its impending ending! I don’t even stay in the moment to enjoy the twinkling twilight of whatever it is before it comes to a close! Instead I begin to mourn the its impending being "gone"…it’s laughable really. More so because I am so painfully aware of it.

The thing is that looking forward to something, reaching for some get, some goal, some ambitious thing is celebrated everywhere. Everywhere you look there are lists of “how to get that bikini body in three months.” Or “How to live more harmoniously.”

Honestly, I love lists. I write them, I get them published too, but ultimately the whole point is in the not doing. Even NOT DOING is trying too hard at something and holding yourself up to a control or some measure that eventually will upset or disappoint you when you reach it and need to come up with something else, or worse, feel like a failure because you couldn’t do it.

It may be a difficult concept to grasp. I’m not saying “Goals are bad.” Or “Don’t ever strive to be anything.” I think those behaviors and innate survival tactics are present no matter what we try to tell ourselves. I’m not saying eradicate them.

I like the idea of “Considerations.” Try considering that by being in every single moment you are actually more purposeful, more joyful and more in tune with all that is happening that your goals, dreams, love and intentions manifest themselves. Intention is so much stronger than goal. It has less pressure, and allows for acceptance and non-commitment to the outcome. That’s the key I think.

Detaching from the outcome of a thing may be the hardest thing I’ve every tried to do. Even in having a conversation with someone we subconsciously want an outcome: “To make him or her feel better.” Or “To get the latest news on an issue.” Or “To feel connected” and when perhaps life or their mood or their intentions are different and the conversation shifts to something unexpected we may leave that conversation feeling down or unfulfilled. Why? Because we had some expected outcome attached to it.

 If we didn’t, the gratitude and sense of being IN the conversation no matter how it went, would be enough.  I used to have a boyfriend in my twenties who was fifteen years my senior. He would always say, “We need to just manage expectations.” I bought into it for a long time…I thought, yes. If we make expectations clear, then all will be clear. Wrong. 

I think he was onto something, but not quite ready or able to articulate what he wanted to say in the relationship. I now understand that the best possible way to deal with anything and everything in life: “Have NO expectations.” 

So many people see this as a negative. It’s understandable to see that because it may it sound like: “I will LOWER my expectations of you, or this situation or this relationship to make it tolerable.” That is true in some sense, but it is also very untrue.

I see letting go of expectations as a gift of  freedom you give to the universe to do...well, what it does anyway!

Nothing really goes according to plan when we try too hard to control, grip and manage it. It is only when the hold is loose, the mind is calm and the energies around us are flexible and malleable that the unthinkable just may happen. It’s the boy scout of life. “Be prepared.” But I would add to it
“Be prepared for anything, but expect nothing and flow with whatever is meant to be with full trust.” 

That’s that. 

It seems simple. Most people could probably argue a million different reasons as to why it’s impossible or that the world would fall into complacency and non-action and nothingness. I say the exact opposite.

Expectations: Part 2- "The Boogey Man in Relationships."


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Another snippet from "Back-wise" : More Proof I was onto "something" in my earlier life.

I couldn't sleep the other night, so I decided to go through what I call the "binder of love."

It was a binder I found in January of this year that my father had kept. It is full of all the print-outs that he deemed worthy to keep. Ha. That says a lot, because he was not (at least on first blanch) a sentimental guy.

I remember writing two poems for a friend who's grandfather had just died. I, in typical bleeding-heart and over-identifying or being empathetic and not knowing it, I scurried to a journal and wrote two poems for him.  This, I find hilarious considering he wasn't an emotional guy, nor did he have the patience to actually finish reading one of the many poems I probably sent that poor sucker.

Anyway, all that aside. The poems "The Shell" and "Life's Proclamation" aren't too shabby. I get it now, I don't remember getting it then? Maybe I did? Or pretended I did? I'm not quite sure as the way life has turned out lately, anything is possible, and I'm not really good at giving myself credit, so I'm going with : I was twenty-one and faking it. Maybe...

So...Yeah.  That was a fun find.

Carry on, friends and foes. Get out there and write. Get out there and live. Life is fleeting and fast.


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Friday, July 24, 2015

13 Shimmer-Words That Make My Heart Flutter. A list by yours truly, An Admitted Logophile. (Lulu)

The only thing that creates a similar eruption of discovery-joy and elation to my finding a book that finds me and the excitement and anticipation to read it is....finding a

"Shimmer-word." (n.)  a fake word that I use to describe any collection of letters that form a the trifecta of perfection in a word: Elegant meaning, phonetic eloquence and visual beauty. It literally shimmers brightly with deep thought and a concise word for twenty different ones or it flickers brilliant with the imagery created not only by it's order and curves but sings off of  my tongue.

13 Shimmer-Words that make my heart flutter:

(* I love these equally and they are in no particular order. In fact, if I could, I'd put them in the curvy shape of a heart...(logged out for 10 minutes.) I did it...but an eye! Here you go. LOOOOOOOVE. Live. Let your mind and mouth linger with the lavish language we all have access to. Enjoy:

1. Alate: (adj.) having wings; lifted up in flight.

2. Eleutheromania (n.) an intense and irresistible desire for freedom.

3. Oriflamme (n.) a symbol or standard that inspires confidence, devotion, or courage.

4. Serendipity (n.) an occurrence by which one accidentally stumbles upon something wonderful, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

5. Sillage (n.) the scent that lingers in the air, the trail left in water, the impression made in space after something or someone has been gone; the trace of someone's perfume.

6. SĂșton (n.) the approach of death or the end of something.

7. Meliorism (n.) the belief that the world gets better; the belief that humans can improve the world.

8. Eunoia (n.) beautiful thinking; a well mind.

9. Maudlin (adj.) foolishly sentimental.

10. Scintillate (v.) to emit sparks; twinkle, as the stars.

11. Zugzwang ( n.) a situation where every possible move or decision is a bad one, or one that will result in damage or loss. ( I call this also- "A cluster F*&k.")

12. Abendrot (n.) the color of the sky when the sun is setting.

13. Orphic (adj.) mysterious and entrancing; beyond ordinary understanding.

So there's that. I love them. All of them. Yes, I was the girl who would read the dictionary! If only I was reading spelling manuals too.


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Wing-Maker - Motherhood is many things. Three poems about my best accomplishments.

So,  It would only make sense that on the day I felt compelled to do watercolors and write about my children, my oldest had the kind of attitude that makes one question what they are doing wrong. I'm glad I had finished before we had to have the talk on gratitude and perspective.  I meditated, let it go, and here they are.  It's the way of motherhood: The grace, the growth, the thankless and the thought of how fleeting it is. I always hear a voice in my heart telling me that I will miss these squabbles and the countless "Mama!" screams my two-year old belts out.

One of my favorite quotes about giving 
freedom and space is from The Dalai Lama XIV.
Below are three little poems I'm going to put in each of my children's photo books. 
"The Wing-Maker."
Every mother taking good care to raise her children well have
raised them to have wings to fly. What I'm too often reminded of, is how hard it will be when they actually I want them to be independent, and strong and fearless in most ways, but I'm human and know that I'll miss the little in them, and the little things of now. 


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Grace is living in your shit. Aura Pictures and the reading that read me right! (now.)

There are two things I need to say before you read this:

1. Shit is about to get WEIRD.
2. I have ZERO expectations of being understood anymore. Feel free to laugh, chuckle, cringe, or maybe if you can dig deep, open your mind a little and sit with it, see what you think…either way. I’m here-in that beautifully weird place.

A friend of mine, Alex Myles writes for The Elephant Journal.

She posted this recently. She has this fantastic way of bridging that "esoterically fuzzy" place with the palatable masses in a way we understand. (Yep. I said "we.")

Anyone who knows me well, knows I’ve always been a misfit. A good friend of mine of twenty-two years said last winter: “If anyone was going to experience something like this, it’s you. Seriously, your husband and I talked and laughed about it yesterday.”

I won’t go into details. I don’t presume anyone cares or would even believe half the stuff I would write. Instead, I’m half way done with a trilogy in the fantasy/Sci-fi/thriller/who-knows-what genre.

“The Metanoia Trilogy: Spider, Nymph and Dragonfly.”

The synchronicities  in the book, all the things happening and gifts that keep falling in my path since my life fell apart are amazing. I’ve never felt more lost, scared OR MORE BLESSED.

I am  now in the state of mind which says:  FEEL YOUR SHIT. I mean it. SIT IN IT. Life has been all kinds for me. At the age of five I knew something was “different.” I have evidence and experience of strange, magical, unexplainable happenings.

 My father, I believe, was a soul-connection of mine. We had all kinds of “off-beat” games and tricks. These are NOT limited to him pointing at people when I was five or six and asking me: “Good egg or bad egg?” Doesn’t seem strange, I know…but what was strange is I never got it wrong. (This brings me to a plethora of questions as to so many dating mistakes I made, and when I lost this ability, ha!)

He and I had strange pacts, and languages and yet were distant too in a bizarre non-affectionate, formal way. I bet we hugged less than thirty times after I turned fifteen, yet I’ve never been closer to another human being. His life was a tragic one and has shaped all of us in his life.

My “strange” has gotten overwhelming. My marriage is dissolving legally and emotionally. My creative side has exploded again, and I feel like some strange conduit of all kinds of things, but mostly, love and acceptance.

I’ve lost pretty much all my friends, but gained some family for life. I’ve lost the clear plot of what I’m supposed to be doing; yet I’ve never felt more comfortable in my own skin. I scare people who are close because being extremely sensitive (that’s code to those who smell what I’m steppin’ in.) because it removes a veil of privacy. I can be quite invasive without trying or wanting to. It’s complicated and hard, but beautiful too.

Between strange metaphysical events with many witnesses, or my new ability to read ruins and tarot and auras, or predict a thing before it happens, (this is good and absolutely horrible too) I have begun to paint too. It helps. It’s a different form of meditation. I also learned a lot about stones and crystals and that “goofy” stuff, but buy in or not, I believe that energy charges in everything. That said, I recently went to Sedona Arizona.

It felt clichĂ©, but also interesting. Not shocking at all, it wasn’t the EXTREME spiritual or life-altering event,  nor was it a serenity-now trip. Quite the opposite it was busy, and jam-packed and physical and I didn’t make it to the hotels amazing pool in the middle of the Boynton Canyon Vortex!
I was busy on jeep trails or hiking three hours in a storm to get my art-stones to Cathedral rock! I wouldn’t change a thing, but as all things in my life lately, nothing goes as planned.

I did have an amazing encounter with a woman and owner of a gem/precious stone store. She offered to take a picture of my aura and do a reading and I kind of rolled my eyes at first. It’s funny how skeptical one gets the more one understand the esoteric. It’s so counter-intuitive.

I did it though. She felt “right.” She was the real deal, unlike so many good and ill-meaning people selling their services. I, for one, am not here to prove a thing to anyone…even though I document and take pictures and voice record EVERYTHING now. Ha. More so, to prove to myself I’m not in a psychosis or dreaming it all up.

Below is the image. 

Here are three snippets of her reading.  Even if you aren’t into “this stuff. “Even if you don’t believe in auras (electromagnetic fields present on all things, proved in science and the focus of a huge study at Princeton, where mainstream is getting more comfortable with energy fields, light work, eastern medicines and practices) this reading blew my mind.

"Old Soul/Give it back" (1min 40 secs)                                                                  

It's fascinating! I’m not a reiki practitioner, in fact I didn’t even look up what colors meant for about five months after I started “feeling” them. Same with “feeling” other peoples thoughts and emotions. I didn’t want to be swayed or get psychosomatic with it. I liked it being pure. I also thought I was losing my mind or having a midlife crisis so I spent months trying to debunk and rip it all to shreds. That failed.

I knew I was blue. Green heart, but blue, so it was fun to see if she got it “right.”  OHHHHHHHHH, she did.

She called my “shit” out. She knew my life history, she knew where I am now, and how confusing it all is.  Is there a chance I’ll be laughing with my two cats  in a tent smoking Virginia slims talking to myself about “when I thought I was evolving and lost my life?” Sure. There’s a chance.

There is also a far bigger chance that I finish this book, launch this art business and surrender to the process. That life sucks sometimes, and it cracks you open and you have the choice to run or sit in it. I’m here. It stinks, I’m scared and I’ve never, not ever in my life felt more alone and on the outside of everything, but I believe. I believe in love, I believe in the universe and angels and spirits and God or whatever name you call the energies that created all this beauty. 

I believe that I’m lucky to have such a messy and mesmerizing life. I believe that there is a sacred beauty of truth in looking your ugly bits square in the eye. Acknowledging your deepest darkness is the only way to find the huge light inside that meets your willingness to deal your worst. It’s laws of nature, balance and the universe. I believe that.

Other related articles:

A Memory Keeper's Video

My Core lie died.

Signs or the Subconscious? Why ask? I'm paying att...


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."