Monday, October 19, 2015

"F" "I" "R" "E" - The difference between beautiful and brutal. - FEAR

Life is beautiful. Life is brutal.  
The only missing difference between the two words are an :  "f" "i" "r" and "e."

Right now I'm  thinking "Life is brutally beautiful." At least mine is. Mine is the only one I can truly take stock of.

These past two weeks have been a major inventory check for me. Two things have kept repeating...Projection and Fear.  Projected Fear, fear of projections, false projections, fear-basis...etc. You get it. 

Fear in some ways is healthy ( like judgment in the most non-destructive sense.) The key point I'm trying to learn with fear is to face it, acknowledge it and say: " I see you. You're welcome to walk beside me, but I'm in control" and then carry on about my business. The idea of " conquering" or " beating" fear is silly to me. Because that becomes a win or lose situation. 

In actuality these opposing points are both very much a part of shadow and light. I've found when I acknowledge a "thing" it anger, insecurity, fear, disappointment or whatever it may be, it gets diffused and loses it´s negative power through my acceptance.

In a childish sense, I picture myself throughout my whole life trying to out-speedwalk or run from fear. I hate people leaving. I can't stand feeling trapped in traffic or lecture halls. I never thought being a parent to three children would bring on such fear of a million things that could go wrong for them...beyond death...a million things have scared me as it pertains to my responsibilities to them as a teacher, guide and mother.

Today, or rather these past couple of weeks, I've imagined I stopped, with cusped-hand shading my eyes from the bright early sunlight, and waited for fear to catch up. I see all of this on a long, two-lane concrete highway with fresh paint and desert on either side. 

He (yes my fear is male) is sweaty and sucking in air trying to understand what is happening. With quizzical eyes and sweat stains under his arms, he hesitates a few beats contemplating what to do. So he raises his hands like a bear and half-heartedly shouts :

"Boooooooowwaaaaahhhhhh-rrooooarhhhh...." that ends with inflection.

He is in actuality a part of me, we both don't do well with falsity and contrived things, so he just shakes his head and says:

 "Never mind. So.......???" 

I say nothing.  The light plays and dances over both of us catching an illusion of an oasis with the deep heat of this place. (No idea where I am, but it's HOT) and I stretch my hand out. I let him know that I accept him. I won't run.  I "get it" now. I see that we are on the same team. We've just been going about it all wrong.

He fights back tears at the recognition and respect and inclusive tone of my voice and shrugs  looking at the fresh white rectangles on the concrete between us. 

"I really just try to protect us. I'm always trying to keep us safe from harm. I'm not mean, or sneaky...I have to make sure we don't get hurt, walk into our own personal hell or die".

He says no more, and instead we both shuffle a bit, the sound of shoes echoing on concrete and in unison, still holding hands we turn and start walking together. 

I smirk, look over and say: 

"I'm in control here now, but I guess you can say your piece here and there and I'll take it into consideration.

We both smile at the mutually understood sarcasm and carry on. 

Another fire in my life compassionately put out and appreciated for what it was here to offer me. I've come to stop fighting everything and  I make allowances instead. Doing so opens up the whole world as I perceive it. Opens it up for reconstruction and brand new meanings. 

Slowly but surely I have almost no doubt, that we can all turn the brutal bits of our lives back into beauty. Almost anything is posible  through an attempt to love (outwardly and inwardly) and to better understand everything we come across in all directions. 


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

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