Last weekend, I hadn't slept in 40 hours and got to bed around 1am. Then, I got word at 2:02am that my dad's brother was flying to Europe where his son died suddenly at thirty-two.
In the past few days, I've reconnected with some family and more than anything, I'm heartbroken for those left behind, including siblings and parents burying a son. The worst thing that could happen as a mom in my book.
This is why I was so compelled to write this today after receiving an email from a new friend. She is an amazing writer for an awesome online magazine force and voice of authenticity. Hers is an analytical yet emotional voice of rational thought that I've been admiring. This is for her. It's also for my tough guy friend, and Julia (sorry, Juju.. What do you care?)
For you : Cut the shit. Seriously. Cut it right in half because I'm tired of hearing it all together. Do people love to see others fail? YES. Does life crack you wide open for the world to watch you bleed, and soak it up as nutrients only to further your demise? Well, no. Now, that's dramatic....
You've all shown (in action or words) that it feels "phony" and "fake" when you try to be filled with love. Yet, all three of you...and so many more than I ever could have imagined believe me when I say I am, always have been.
Why? Because I live in reality. I'm not all light and puffery and sing-song and flowers in my hair. (Though, I'm pretty obsessed with that lately.)
Here's the deal. I'm dark. REALLY dark sometimes. This whole life-falling apart, being humiliated and persecuted by people who shouldn't really give a fuck what I'm doing with my life got me down.
Down is an understatement. I lost weight, cried, contemplated everything, cried more, and wrote.
Then, I started to realize if "they" are all expending so much energy punishing, hating, judging (insert other nasty verb+"ing") why the hell am I going to do the same?
Ask yourself the question: " How can I contribute to that brutal, close-minded, un-self-aware consensus that says I'm no good, what can I think of to add to that dialogue to really give it to me?"
If you read that out loud in the first person. You sound stupid. Truly. Not at all as if you have an inkling of psychological, emotional, or basic understanding. Right? Right.
So you guys do that. You do. Bullshit. You do. Here's how. By allowing ANYONE'S perception or ascribed value to you have ANY correlation to who you actually are. Hey, I did it too. I believed some of that stuff. I looked inward, and sat with it. I climbed into the dark corners and creaky scary places of myself and what I stand for. Then I laughed. I laughed called Julia, we laughed, and I laughed some more.
You see, some people are either unwilling or incapable of loving and having the kind of hearts we do. They don't ever, would never, and aren't going to look inward. They shrug and grimace when you say: "Get home" in themselves and truly excavate that ugly shit. I'm talking the sludge that we know we have. We acknowledge it, we label it, we apologize for it, call ourselves out when we let it sway our decisions or reactions. THEY DON'T!!!!
If they did, they wouldn't be throwing daggers and hate. They'd be asking themselves what is the core root feeling making them act/speak/behave that way. No, they grab other, like-minded lemmings to concur and validate them. It's natural. I bet all of us did it for years in varying degrees too.
I know this: I am NOT better than them. I am NOT better than ANYONE. I'm sure as shit different and able to say those three sentences, not sure if they can. (honestly.) It's getting weirder by the day, but I'll take it. I'd rather give, serve, and be love. I'd rather smear compassion over their craptastic judgements. That kind of anger and need to punish or alienate comes from either HURT or FEAR. Both of those things come from love. A love never given, or taken away, or overused, or taken advantage of. I get it.
Fake? What was fake was me pretending I was ok with my lies and deceit and half-living sense of delusion that "I've had it tough. Life has been hard, so I have some unhealthy patterns, or need for outside validation and a low self esteem." LOL. That's fake. It's brilliant. Just ENOUGH truth to skim by, but not have to do any of the work. I still cringe looking back, and then I want to hug her and tell her that she's soooooo close, and that she will be fine, better, even amazing some day!
Cheesy? The picture I took for you all (below). YES, that's cheesy. You're welcome. See the difference? The concept of loving instead of judging and spreading negativity is NOT FAKE. Say it with me: "Zero F's Given."
I'm human, I've played all those conversations out in my head. (forget the empathic component) Just guessing (knowing) how those conversations go I could fall apart all over again. I could let them steal this, my success, my self-love, my fortitude to collect, protect and do what's right and loving for my family and the people I love.
Meh. I won't, though. They can't have it. They don't deserve it. Let them talk. They have every right based on some of my actions. Facts! I'm not even talking about the BS spun to make me sound like a sociopathic monster.
On facts, I do deserve some judgment. I deserved to be dealt the hand I got. It taught me to really learn, to listen, and to level myself in order to rebuild with my core beliefs and authenticity.
Most people (who won't admit it) think "filled with heart" or "spreading love" or "love-infused words" are contrived, used, and felicitous to the cheesy, non-bright, unscientific, hippie, new-age idealists. They say: "I'm a realist." or "I'm sorry, (passive aggression-because they aren't sorry!) If I don't think everything can be healed with love."
Say this to them...say it to YOURSELF:
"Fuck off, too bad, I love you. I'm going to UNLEARN the limiting belief that I am good or bad, light or dark. I know for a fact that I posess both positive and negative. Just like every other balanced organism in this universe. My capacity to be mean, dark and sad is matched by the radiance in me to shine."
So that's that. I think you all are phenomenal. I actually fully understand your hesitance to come over to the "Bright side." Drop it. That noise is all lined up with what you THINK people will THINK of you, or some "perceived" credibility you'll lose. Say in my son's voice: "Look at MEEEEEEEEE!!! Come over here." I send love and light to the meanest of them in meditation. I ponder with empathy what might make them say/think/act that way.
I know this: How on earth could throwing genuine fully aware and deliberate love do any damage? It actually makes me feel better than returning the anger, judgement or disdain. It throws some balance in the mix.
If love is silly, and fake and phony, and not able to heal, or work things through, or bridge to understanding then you better look at this list and call them "Idiots":
Ok. You get it. You're wrong. I'm right. I love you enough to let you feel right a little longer, but cut the shit. Let them call us dreamers, idealists, romantics, silly, goofy, etc. Some pretty amazing things got done with those "Crazy notions." Plus, somebody has to counter balance all their muckity muck. Why not me? Why not you? Who's in?
Love and light and big huge crazy-heart-shaped beams of the real-deal kind of acceptance and positivity to LIFT you up. You deserve it.
"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."