Saturday, April 11, 2015

Lulu Diaries. 1996. “The Man You Want, and The Man You Need."

I found all this in my countless spiral journals. It makes me laugh. Again, I was always teetering on an understanding that I did not have the wisdom or life experience to carry through. And so I failed over and over at love. 
Me and “Spatt” in my apartment in Boston (Harbor Towers) at 17yrs old.
1996: 18 years old, Boston
The art of attraction is infinitely flawed. (I think) No really. How is it that most women who fall deep into the throws of love with a man, hate him first? Think of any Jane Austen book, think of any romantic comedy. I can't figure if we are a product of our entertainment, or the opposite. I do know this: What we think we want, and what we need are too very different things. Its navigating through ourselves that can prove tedious.

-Things I want (if I married):
-Have an accent
-Love his mother
-Challenge my beliefs and theories.
-Be Strong and athletic

 1998: Post moving back from Sydney.
Right. Then, I lived a little more, dated men with accents (Australian and South-African) and discovered some more things, by process of elimination :

Runway Show at The Drake, 2001
- He must wear bigger pants than me
-Accent NOT necessary
-Low maintenance, manly man
- Make me laugh
- Be nice
- Be smart

Then, I got adventurous with my needs and wants.

2001: Engagement off, single in Chicago

- Make me laugh
- Make me question EVERYTHING (This is when it goes down hill.)
- Have power (Still descending...)
- Be elusive and mysterious (deep plummet..)
- Be hard to handle (sunk)

2008: A blog post I wrote referencing above lists
It happens. We all think we know what we want. We have to think that, otherwise why listen to your instincts? It can be very confusing. Some of the very attributes that are so seductive, are the very ones that can erode your soul over time.

Let's just say about four out of five of my final needs/wants ended up being the exact OPPOSITE of what works for me. In my personal experience (and this is still subject to change) it takes about half a life to understand who we are, when we are not trying to bed, impress, or woo someone.

THAT is the person that needs to be matched. How can you know who that is until you stop trying? You can't. Some, however are way more clued into their unmasked selves than others. (There was a good five years where I had the self-awareness of Michael Scott-The Office).

Marriage is a strange gauge on faith and your knowledge of self. Look at the stats....51% of us are wrong. The priceless piece of advice I received in the ugliest word-wrapping of reality:

"Marry the man who would scrape you off the floor in your darkest moment, and not hold it against you.” -Julia Maher, 2003 Cafe De Luca, in Bucktown-Chicago.) 
JuJu, My best friend then, now and always.
I did. He did. Choose wisely. Know yourself, and be honest. The getting is fun but it is fleeting. Just be. All those books and movies that show the malicious, horse of a man turning to mush and becoming prince charming aren't showing you the whole story. Look at all the things you think you want in a man. Then write down the opposite. You might just find what you need opens up the gates to all kinds of new possibilities.

You smell what I'm steppin' in...


Today, April 11, 2015
Again, I am shocked at how long I’ve been working on this “Who Am I?” and “What Do I Want?” gig. I do know this, now, I am so glad to be exactly where I am. It’s not perfect by any definition, but it is improvement. Its evolving. 

In a conversation with a woman I have little respect for, I slipped as she berated me saying: “We ARE SO DIFFERENT!” The words: “Thank God.” Slipped out of me. She winced at first, and then her false ego jumped in and repeated, sarcastically, the same sentence. That’s my point....exactly. 

You don’t know how much you can grow and learn and evolve, until you do. 

In the meantime, we all are doing the best we can to know and believe in ourselves. Sometimes its with the WHOLE truth, and sometimes it is not.  I can’t, nor would I be able to fix or guide anyone else. I’m a work-in-progress and honestly, as a friend of mine always says:

“Not my circus, not my monkeys.” -AS

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