Saturday, March 14, 2015

Chaos Theory Might Have Saved My Life. Said NO ONE, EVER except Lulu.

It's a precarious place I find myself. In full disclosure, I feel like I "gave birth to myself" in the wee hours of March 12, 2015. It wasn't pretty. Hours of my single focus, creative juices, tears, sweat and even the fear, the disappointment, the hope that I'm strong enough for what lies ahead, but also the quiet resolve that something is beginning. 

My voice changed.

My tone changed, and yet again the ground shifts under me relentlessly.

My way of communicating embraced "truth only."

Everything enhanced...

The  past fourteen days have involved:
  • Deciding to separate, tough personal news on a family front, telling our kids of said separation.
  • Ending my oldest daughters relationship with a great friend
  • A rage-filled inappropriate rant from a scorned lover's wife who brings out the very darkest worst side of me. 
  • An in-law family member publicly risking my children's daily life by trying to humiliate me to their peers on Facebook, then denying it.
  • A complete emotional breakdown, a discovery of the biggest soul-snapping betrayal from a man I thought I loved, and the very reason I find my life in shambles, I'm a pariah, and my list of friends can be counted on one hand.
  • My husband signing a lease to move out soon. 
  • The two biggest fights I've had with men in more than 20 years. (husband and ex-lover)

I had to take a life "time out." This being something I hadn't done in over a decade. Without my friend, and nanny I can't imagine where I'd be. ( THANK YOU, you know who you are.)

One of the moments of awe and clarity was this:
"The very source of me being "damaged goods" or having "baggage" that always was a factor in my failed relationships, self-doubt, mistakes...etc is actually, the very source that fuels my grace and ability to stand strong in trust that my inner compass is reset while everything I knew to be my life is crumbling and falling away. " 
     That source has a name: CHAOS.
I lived in a third world country. My parents divorced when I was 6. I traveled overseas alone by 9. My mother decided to move to Scandinavia with her new husband, and my half sibling when I was 13. I lived alone starting at age 16 in New England. Moved to Sydney at 18, and many many more harrowing life events that shall reveal themselves in due time. Chaos and I...We are not strangers.

I noticed that I've spent the first quarter or more of my life loathing my chaotic story. I hid it. Closed it off in a well submerged darkness.  I know many people with similar life starts, and they NEED order. They need CONTROL. That would make more sense. Nope, not for me. I found I was such a master of chaos management I literally got excited in it. Still do.

Someone just got hurt? I'm on it. A friend in full panic? I'll be right there. Hysteria breaking out in a public place? Yes! What can I do? My younger self saw a relationship going, I'll sabotage it to get back to my "comfort in chaos."

This is not my most well-written post, it's not pretty, or full of big words. It's here to be read by you. It's a message that your very best strengths can actually be the most self-hated trait you have. Ive quickly learned that I can have a clear direction, a sparkling hopeful end goal, but I'm surrendering to the fact that I have ZERO control in deciding which path gets me there.

The fact that my crazy, often sad and unprotected early life served a paramount purpose. It was to get me comfortable with the unexpected, the constant change, shifting ground, bottom drops and all things that would scare the soul out of someone more "normal" than me.

Nope again, my soul says: "Sweet, we got this! I know chaos. Bring it, bitch!"

So again, after a rage-filled fortnight, a pendulum swing of life events, tragedy, hard talks and messiness, I feel only gratitude. Who would-a thunk my chaotic, no rules, no expectations, no parental guidance childhood would be the most beautiful latent gift this perfectly balanced universe would give me?

I'm in awe every day, scratch that...every hour, that I'm still standing, laughing and smiling. (I cry too, trust me) but trust yourself! Trust no one else in these times if needed, but TRUST YOURSELF.

Trust that you have all the tools, even if in the most unexpected places. Trust your inner voice, the one that knows the plan and your deep, valuable worth no matter how ugly it gets out there.


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