Thursday, February 26, 2015

TRUTH BOMBS and UGLY HONESTY. Let's do this shit. It's time. "Oxygen Mask Analogy"

As most of you (reading my blog) know, I've been doing triple flips into rock bottom, or bottom of rock bottom, and the universe is throwing everything, including the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes at me. I'm still standing....barely. My fake-eyelashes have perished, and my eyes barely open some days, but I'm still standing. Writing here, and laughing at myself.
With grace, good friends, and some soul searching....somehow, my conscious, my heart, and my spirit keep handing me these bigger perspectives. I'll try to explain this one. In a place of this kind of deep darkness, I fluctuate through crying until my eyes are swollen shut, to beaming with clarity. Today is one of the "clarity" days. The polar changes really do give you new appreciation. It's quite beautiful, and no matter what, I'm learning so much. So are those I love. Surprisingly, the growth and evolution is palpable. 

First off, I love you more than ever, "Srgt. Mamy", you are my advocate, my universe-gift, the badass, the tender friend and more than I could have dreamed of. Words can't express it. THANK YOU. I'll love you till your boobs tuck into your socks, and longer. 

Julia (I'm not hiding your name) you are a sister. We "own" our own crazy and laugh together. Without your unconditional support, I'd be, shit, who knows. But it's not good. You, everyday, allow me to be me, and love me in the darkness, you even listen to my advise and we learn from each other. I'll never stop holding your hand, if you hold mine. THANK YOU. 

Oxygen Mask analogy: 
"Srgt. Mamy" and I drove to a Kacey Musgraves concert last weekend. We laughed and talked, and philosophized and laughed more. On the drive home, whilst serving up some harsh and hairy honesty, ( that I immediately agreed to) I spoke of my kids. Preserving their innocence, serving them, loving them wholly. She waited a beat and asked: "What do they say about Oxygen masks on planes?" I knew where she was going, but in a Freudian, or hang-over slip, I got it backwards: "Kids first, then me", I replied. NOPE! "YOU put YOURS on to breathe first, otherwise you are useless to help them." ( pause for deep deep thought and processing of how BIG that is) 

That sat with me for days. A lot of things have. Big changes are coming, with those, comes fear, and self-questioning and if you are lucky, epiphanies. My most recent is this:

"You can not truly give love or yourself, until you love yourself."

Sounds cliche. It is, and its bullshit.  I believe lots of people believe that, they say it, they seem smart, and aware. It even looks cute on little FB posters we share. THAT is the surface version. It's not complete. What I've learned, realized, and finally understood is something different. It addresses the action, intention, and ramifications. These three things change everything. 

Remember, I don't claim to know anything, I'm neither wise, nor enlightened, but I'm resilient. I'm resourceful, driven by an inner voice that believes, always. I guess I'm just willing to be authentic and throw out some ideas that MIGHT make sense to someone, mostly myself and my daughters and anyone else I can possibly leave better than how I found them. If not, toss it in the ether with cat videos, and political rants. 

Loving yourself WHOLLY: ( my definition-my "secret recipe to be whole and happy" ) 
To do this you have to go inside yourself. Truly, burrow in and start sorting things out. 

  • Step one: Find the darkness. On your  hands and knees in the "closet of you". Crawling through, stretching in the clutter, starting with the real uglies: regret, childhood misbeliefs, shame, fear, self-loathing, broken heart remnants, doubts, fucking pain-soaked memories of harm I've caused, limiting thoughts....etc. Each one, I pitch over my shoulder into a pile. 

  • Step two:  Set that shitty hot mess of meaningless burden on FIRE!!! Light that heaping, stinking, bleeding, smelly pile. BURN IT and mourn. Cry, scream, dance, whatever must happen, let it. It's an ending. Forever. Be done with all of it. Choose finality. 

  • Step three: Go back into the closet of you, and find these things:  deep kindness, compassion, self-love, gratitude, memories of laughing and helping others, beautiful words of advice you received, your empathy, your innate goodness and shimmering un-jaded childhood smile. Handle these things with the delicacy of finding old music boxes, trinkets and old pictures. Pile them as well, in order or abstractly. Lastly, reach for  far, fingers shaking with strain to find that childlike self-awe, it shines orb-like, gold-speckled and full of light. It's that child in you that screamed: 'I DID IT!" or "I'm da BESTEST!" as my toddler son does. ( Or my totally self-secure and self-loving five year old) Hold it, stare in it to see the self-pride and deep belief of your worthiness through innocence child-eyes.

  • Step four: ILLUMINATE that pile. Light it from the inside out with all the brightest, warmest, energy you can summon. Let it flow like a tidal wave of sunshine, dense and covering everything, filling you up from tingly-top of head, to the outer edges of your toes. Beam, beam, beam in THESE things that already existed. That make you YOU. ( not the forgone ashes from the fire burnt earlier in this process, not even the smoke of that toxic mess can compete with this glow) 

  • Step five: STAY HERE.  Learn it. BE IT. This is loving you WHOLLY.From this place, and this place only can you give...and here is the POINT. You can give without causing deficit to yourself. I'll say it again. YOU CAN GIVE WITHOUT DEFICIT TO YOURSELF. There is a huge difference. This wholeness gives because it has to, needs to, for it has everything it needs. YOU are everything you need. The beauty and gift of, help, yourself, advice, time...ADDS to your beam. It comes from purity, and no expectation or measure. 

(side note:) It's important to realize that giving of oneself is beautiful, in theory. But too often we are NOT whole. We haven't loved ourselves, so our giving depletes us, it takes away because all the things we didn't burn yet consume us. We give : "for reciprocation" or "to keep score" or "obligation and guilt". We offer time, and ourselves because we think we should, or it "looks good" but when coming from a portion, or half of you, it comes at a deficit to ourselves. There lies the inner birth of resentment, anger, disappointment....and all the meaning we give to the "idea of giving". In relationships, charity, friendship, parenthood. It's SO EASY to say and believe we are living a generous, loving, give-to, life. It's commendable, well-intended, but it is not possible to survive this, to sustain it. 

So, I'll add  my two cents to the age old idiom: "You can not truly give love or yourself, until you love yourself." ......INSTEAD:

My goal, happy, whole and giving more than ever. (note the "Follow Your Arrow" necklace) 

"Loving yourself WHOLLY,  with full heart, is the ONLY way to be able to give anything to anyone else without expectation or deficit to yourself.  From self-love, is not selfishness, its wholeness to give wholly with pure, single GIVE"

Eh, who knows. I don't. But that's not going to stop me from trying! Have I gotten there? Heck no. I begin today, I am actually giving myself an entire YEAR to do this. I can't come back the bottom. I can't live in that place of regret and deep hurt. Big mess calls for HUGE change. I'm doing it. I hope, maybe one of you will too.


sincerely, and working-on-being-whole,


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