Monday, February 9, 2015

Throwback- I need my own planet! ...and it has rules to live by...



*****Throwback from "funny" me, when I had time, and blogged before it was "cool" and no one got paid, I only ONE sweet child and was still in my twenties. ( I've peppered in pictures to distract from my hilarity and vulgar, UN-yogic, more "grounded" self? It's gonna work. "Crack-berry" reference. Woa. So Millineal. Dude....I was funny. I want her back! ******


---Get used to these, why be original? I was genius and cute and dumb. Kidding. Kind of---


Have you ever stopped to listen to your inner-dialogue complaints? It is an entirely different frontier than the "outer-dialogue". While ranting about yet another horrible movie experience, I got the sneaky suspicion that I am growing more intolerant, rather than people just becoming more annoying.


I know it can't possibly be so, but I feel as though people go to the movies with the pure intention to make me crazy. If its not the man sitting three seats away that has to shake his bag of popcorn before each crunchy, crackling bite, then it is the mentally-unstable woman with the bright orange hat rocking forwards and back with the vigor of a true asylum patient during the "scary" scenes.

Maybe its the teenage girl I got into a verbal scuff with during opening Saturday night? I had the sense, and frankly, the right, to answer her sneering (under her breath)question: "out of all the seats you sit here miss?" with a very sharp and to the point: "Yes. I paid for this seat. It's packed. I am sitting here, and you have to move your fecking feet. Deal with it." I am certain I made a few strangers blush, but who holds these brats accountable?
Either my luck and timing is out of whack, or I am losing my ability to deal with people. I am starting to believe it might be the latter. Since I can't indulge in populating my own planet, I will settle with merely playing out it's fantasy rules in addition to the obvious (don't kill, don't steal,pay taxes,free health care...etc):



Lulu Rules:

1.) You can not smell like: onions, garlic, stale beer, offensive perfume (this is subjective to my mood), Indian curry, cigarette smoke, or body odor.

2.) Please do not chew loudly, or swallow too hard ( that gulp sounds drives me batty).

3.) If I do not like your presence in my immediate vicinity, at any moment, I have the right to hit the "TRAP DOOR" button. (if you scrape your teeth on a fork, play music I don't like, have a general "eerie" feeling about you)

4.) If you are driving on the street with in 500 yards of me, drive at my pace.4a.) If I am at the stop sign first and I flag you, GO! Don't sit there looking at me blankly.

5.) Be on time.

6.) Don't be indecisive and whiny. Passive need for approval, or suggestion, or compliment will get you a quick trip down the the tunnel ( ref: #3.)

7.) Do something nice for someone else EACH day. ( expect nothing in return)
8.) Don't require me to repeat myself more than twice.

9.) If you HAVE to be available 24/7 by "crack berry", then at least ignore it when we are engaged in purposeful conversation.

10.) Ignore all my rules. What makes life so fun is the sweet challenge of dealing with all it's inhabitants.


That's it really......That's all. I think.


As you were people!


Acceptance begets change. Right?
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