Thursday, February 19, 2015

"If they were "right", I'd agree but it's them they know....not me." -Cat Steven's spoke for my soul in 8th grade. Bill Murray gets me too.

If only I had taken my thirteen year old self's advice...THEN.

Photo: HollySierra

As strange and inexplicable things have been happening in my life, there are two schools of thought from those who know me, or have been witness to my self-proclaimed : " peculiar thing."

 1. "That bitch be Cray Cray"-  I've lost my mind and in doing so, I have created the most elaborate  delusion. Coincidence and said "proof" are merely psychotic manifestations (well-meaning, perhaps) that include, but are not limited to, some dog-scratches, plausible burn marks and anyone agreeing or witnessing the strange, the knowing, or predictions are clearly seeking some positive outcome involved with the narrative of lies I've created to distract and avoid my reality.


2.  "I'm not surprised, but it's freaking me out a little." - The immense amount of pain Ive recently caused and endured, forced an opening and some interesting sensory heightening has occurred.  Its reason, source and general outcome are yet to be determined, but whatever "it" is, it exists. "It" does not make me special or "better than" but clearly places me as a mere piece in the huge collective "something" that can be tapped into by anyone. It's not a comfortable place to be challenged on what you believe. It's hard to watch me straddle what is happening (which makes me feel very alone, and alienated) and my brutal honesty, self-effacing, never-take-my-self-too-seriously self.

Here's my take..."Sure". By that, I realize that either option is perfectly acceptable depending on perspective, experience and limiting beliefs of each individual. There is no "right" or "wrong". Living or judging from those places proves the negative and would be hypocritical of me. I've always been overly passionate, emotional and super creative. If I'm being honest to myself, and the line between a little bit nuts, and whatever this is, is a very fine one. I do NOT associate myself with commercialized comparisons. NOTHING about how I feel, or any of this compels me to find a platform, niche, monetizing opportunity or shock people. Which, if you knew me before is surprising. I am historically the girl who divulges too much, hides nothing, and laughs at people's discomfort with my "in your face" ways. This...or this time in my life, makes me want to hide, curl up, protect and discriminate. That's a very novel thing for me.

Einstein's words always cause me pause:

Too many "things" have presented themselves to me to ignore. Unsolicited clarity, energetic forces, strange circles and reassurances of my own words, memories (later validated in spades, despite my attempt at debunking) grace, absolute gratitude, perfected timing, randomness, and the sheer beauty and/or gain of all of my new-found awareness. I've not become some fantasy sci-fi character, I merely seem a bit more in tune with everything, and larger concepts which before didn't concern me. I can one minute  be talking about poopy diapers and toddler development, and the next minute, a NEW sense of KNOWLEDGE just....IS. 

It exists, where it wasn't before. It comes at random, and without warning. It scares and excites me, but more than anything it has truly taught me, everything, anything is worth only the meaning I give it. Let me say that again: "THE MEANING I GIVE IT."

Look, I'll be the first to admit it all sounds crazy, contrived and ridiculous....but it feels to me, like a higher learning and acceptance, a guide book tailored to me that has always existed but was ignored  by me. So many of my perceived confines were the rules we learn, are taught, and their limits.

 Then, in line with that are the fears we acquire as we get jaded, hurt, and fail. In the past I was told "You never get hurt or caught"
(like when I would jump off a twelve foot roof onto a trampoline covered in soap suds at age 9, or hop on a motorcycle in my early teens with a random Italian guy driving 110mph down Sturrow Drive.) It wasn't rebellion, it was a deep knowing that I would be fine. I call it my "F-it button." Most people, nearly all my friends had one, they would step back, assess, consider all possible outcomes. Me? I hit the button if my gut said I'd be fine. The other one I always heard was "you act like the rules don't apply to you." This is a harder one to explain. It was NEVER a sense of being grandiose, or better, or was more like a 40,000ft view that I didn't understand, but felt. I graduated from college, but no-joke, literally would skip 80 percent of classes. I lived alone, LITERALLY, in an apartment in Boston, alone from the age of 15 on, and have never been arrested, raped, maimed, hurt, taken advantage of, or in any trouble. Again...THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Given everything I know, those are very, very, VERY slim odds. As a mother of three, and having lived plenty more experiences, I stand more in awe, now. Knowing all the horrible, scary possibilities and wrong turns my freedom and constant risk taking could have reaped...I actually can not compute it. It's not an arrogance, it's a little bit of sadness for the young me, so alone, but also a quizzical understanding considering all I think I understand now, and that I knew then( before my father died.)

I've never had a filter but could "read" people, and skate that precarious line of what could be said, received and barely skim the line of acceptable. People validated this behavior with huge laughter, or finding my manner refreshing. I'm anything but now...and my read is FAR more severe and in-depth. 

I'm like "Bambi on ice."-  I skid, and skate and lose my footing fast. I am learning to balance, and still have not mastered how to hold, repackage and deliver thoughts as eloquently as I should. 

I drop truth bombs that people initially repel. These nuggets of "truth" can evoke fury, but usually get followed up with agreement, gratitude and a strange sense (from them) that they are understood, seen and accepted. Sacral Cranial work has simultaneously saved and cracked my life.  It's not fun. AT. ALL. Beautiful, and indisputable? Yes.

I´m still me. I love dirty jokes, I question if my children are self-absorbed a-holes sometimes, I'm clueless, get lost in a parking lot and am reminded, more so now, everyday...that I have so much to Learn!

I make fun of myself, and try to beat you to the punch of doubt. I have even endearingly named my recent recognition of those others "like-minded" I call them: "My human card-catalog"....People randomly pop in there, the first was Oprah. (hold your laughter, gets better.) Then, Mother Theresa, Gandhi, a weird three word name I was calling "Tick Khok Kok" because I only felt the sound of it. This ended up being Thich that hanh. His name (my version) came to me during a therapy session, in which I was told his CORRECT name, and who he was. Pretty funny.

The last to appear, so far,  in this place that feels like a dimly lit waiting room is the best. Mind you, this room is NOT of my peers, but rather the amazingly strange and unconnected references in human form. I want to learn from their words, lives, thoughts. You ready?

Bill Murray. Ask my husband! Last weekend I saw him playing golf on TV and "BOOM!"  I shit you not, I knew it. "He shares my perspective! Freak-flag recognition!" Ok, maybe I've lost my mind. Bill Murray and me...Existential conversation about the quantum mechanics of consciousness and living authentically with eyes-wide open only to one-by-one deliver genuine kindness that expects nothing back because the universe converts it in ten fold and that's the point jinxing. There's that, and a bottomless pit (not limits is fascinatingly ironic too) of hilarity and losing bladder control-level laughing.  Watch. I promise. It's happening. But seriously, though (say that like Bill Murray would in a pseudo sincerity, but being self-ironic, thereby actually genuine, whisper-voice) 

Riddle me this: If I'm nuts or I'm actually awakening to a collective what-have-you, open spirited view of the world and comfortably claiming my place in it..... is it so bad?  Honestly, some experts in the "field" keep warning me that my lack of alignment between what IS and my rational mind could actually be more harming, so I'm baby-stepping into full acceptance. Almost.  IF I do, what's the down side to the following:

1. I have an uncontrollable urge to help anyone, all the time, because it feels right and natural. Even people who hate me. It's so strange, I don't pity them, or reflect their feelings, instead, I just want to send the kind, loving acceptance. 

2. Im sooooo brutally honest with myself that the last thing I think is " I'm better" or "special." 

3. My clarity of perspective has panned things out. Birds-eye/third eye view helps me prioritize and and let go of things, people and limiting beliefs that have held me back. The same clarity makes me feel in colors, and hate to hear myself speak because I sound high most of the time. ( I really do roll my own eyes at myself.)

4. I have never, not in my life, trusted or believed MORE that every single person, curve ball, heartbreak, betrayal, ending, perceived trauma, and even my hazy over-functioning sleep-walk since I lost my father HAD TO HAPPEN TO BE HERE NOW. ALL OF IT. PERIOD.

5.  I have nothing to prove. Instead, I'll worry about improving ME. I'll continue to let my imagination run wild. It's pure freedom when you stop worrying what people think of you.

My 8th grade (13yr old) year book half page. I quoted: Cat Stevens. Certainly prefer my innocent baby face to the "stink eye", my clearly precocious, clueless self.

"If they were right, I'd agree...." (words I quoted at 13. on my "8th grade page")... "But it's them they know NOT ME."

People will ALWAYS have opinions or thoughts of me that are very real to them. That's huge! I won't disagree with what they inherently have a right to FEEL....

I'll just be me, and carry on with quiet self-acceptance because It's really all I can carry. 

at the very least, I'll write, complete and publish a pretty gnarly Sci-fi fiction. 

Until then.....I'll be here. 

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