Monday, February 9, 2015

Let's laugh at me, shall we? Me, nearly TEN years ago vs. ME-NOW....(LOL)

Who me? Annoying? ( assessing my annoying self, circa 2006) 

- I write/type ALL the time.
- I walk so fast that my 2 year-old actually thinks jogging is a normal way of pedestrian transportation.
- I dodge compliments like the plague. How about:"the archaeologist of self-deprecating negativity" ( has a cute ring to it, and sounds smart n' shite)
- I ask my husband shock-value incoherent questions that are completely out of context as if it were truly up for debate (and normal). It's free comedy/amusement. IE: "If I put your balls on a slab and hit them with a mallet would they implode or explode? Balls implode, I think..... Balls implode. Right?"
-I call people with a few points to make, and then actually leave the message with numerical order: "Three things Rebecca: One, I got the cd. Two, Did you watch 30 Rock?. Three: I got a signed picture from Owen Wilson. Too funny. That's it. Bye."
-I fast forward through heavy-hearted women sharing their lives on Oprah. ( I couldn't stand the chick talking about her 39th "Eat Pray Love" party. More on this later...
-I eat potato chips on my sandwiches, always. Every time. "No crunch. No lunch"
That's enough for today. I am annoying.

Me,  Right-now: feeling blessed, but honest. YES, annoying still. 
(Older, constantly assessing,  circa 2015):Summed up with 3 precious, challenging and awe-inspiring kids, 12yrs of genuinely happy at times, well-intented marriage based on 15 years of deep, solid friendship-first, one near mid-life crisis, (re: marriage/ with NON-physical indiscretions including, but not limited to; a billionaire, and an NHL nomadic deep-thinking-ultimately-too-moral to proceed-Iconoclast, a local and amazing betrothed man also thrice-over a father), and a town that has NO IDEA what to do with someone proven innately-good, big-hearted, incredibly protective and present mother who has a "story too-public and too close to home to process authentically." Oh... and a two year, TWO YEAR writing  hiatus. (sigh....)

  • Well, Hello computer and "blog" thing(s) that use words like "tumblr" and "Tweeting"!!! I'm back, I can't code html anymore. I can't code my alarm clock...Oh wait! He's two. We won't chip kids for another decade.
  • I don't model, but should, and in fact, I got down to 104lbs (thank you anxiety)..Now, even SKINNY girls hate me too!  (I've gained 18 recently, if that helps)
  • I dream of napping, and get REALLY pissed if anyone calls, texts, whatsapps, delivers shit, or in any way threatens that hope.
  • I go through an entire loaf of bread, LOAF in 2 days. The smell, taste and vision of buttered toasts eases my mind.

  • I smile, now, a lot, even when people stare me down at the gym with hate-filled, judging, malevolent-"how dare you break the herd" mentality of the "The bubble"- eyes.
  •  I push meditation on everyone. TRY IT.
  • I see, feel and predict things. Seriously, I feel dead people. Not joking. Spirits. Seriously. No, wait. I'm a total empath, intuit, energy healing, aura color seeing, neo-new, now-old-age shaman-shit is cool-type phoenix, still kind of burning, though.. Ya.......OMG.... but Seriously! Fo reaaaaaalz.
  • Im terrible at dates, birthdays, "your mom died-day", anniversaries, kids parties...thank you cards.
  • Still can't take a compliment. I try harder, and say "Thank you", but not in a card.
  • I never return phone calls. Ever. I don't think I listen to messages, and I currently have 3649 unread emails.
  • I now LOVE heavy-hearted, real, uncomfortably intimate conversations about feelings. Bigger the breakthrough, the bigger my smile. Read "Eat Pray Love" AGAIN, and just wait for my "Wild" movie review. Yup. Tears, bring it. Life blows. Life glows. We fall, we get up. We laugh.
  • I still THINK (read:know) I'm going to publish a novel. I think.

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