Today is valentine's day. I received no roses, nor went on a date. I didn't go see "50 shades of grey"( puke) or cuddle on a couch, get kissed or celebrated. Tonight, what would be my father's 69th birthday, I reflect and revel. Not in love for someone new,old, coming, or going, but in SELF LOVE. Recently, I found this essay in a binder my father had kept of print-outs: emails, essays, poetry and whatever he deemed "worthy to keep". I'm so blessed that he did so. I'm so proud of my little 19 year old self for trying to think big, be positive, and admit fault. She, through his eyes, is what has sparked a re-awakening of my much-needing-practice- craft. Writing has been, and always will be, my creative passion and outlet. I lost that, somewhere between the day he died and now. Happy birthday, Dad. Thanks for every word you kept. They inspire and keep me going now.
"And I learn."
You can read five million words and gain no ideas, no epiphany, perhaps a craving to STOP reading. It is a challenge to absorb and increase the intake of information. When you truly are intrigued and intoxicated by words or a speech, something is gained...a piece of some one's mind, a lesson learned if you can allow it to be so....and you learn.
We all travel along paths of life. For some it is cobblestone, other's it will be dirt, perhaps even paved with sparkling yellow bricks. It is the actual voyage that is constant. Everyone one of us stumbles through mud, or loses grip from a pothole. We get distracted by the ladder-less pits of love and infatuation. We fall to our knees at temptation and apathy. The destination is always in sight if we can conceive it. For some its a house built of gold, others a log cabin by the ocean, perhaps even a field of wild flowers. It is determination to get there that helps to recover the stumble, gain our grip, and climb out of a pit. Its up to us to walk, run, fly to "our places" in life.
Despite the allegations of deceit that taunt us with the "easy" ways. It is known, however , not always practiced-We sometimes MUST take the detour, the long way will reap a lesson. In all that we do there is an effect. Refer to science or probability laws, they will tell us with every cause there is an effect. If you push to achieve your highest level, your mind, body and soul will be affected. It may seem cliche, but I believe if one can visualize her feats, she will move closer to them and conquer a dream, the job, the assignment. The total output of every last drop of tears and sweat.
That is what makes learning, striving, pushing....worth the effort. We all make mistakes; in fact, mistakes are one of the unspoken constants of life other than death and taxes. They will come, in my eyes, mistakes are blessings. With everything that we do a wonderful lesson is learned. How NOT to do it next time....and we learn.
I have stumbled and fallen. I have almost mastered mistakes, but on the flip side, I have mastered some of my personal capabilities. I know what NOT to do, I know how to prevent myself from procrastination and whatever distractions I may fall subject to. I have lived in many places, studied in the south, the north, down under, and no matter where I find myself, people and reactions are the same. I am not the only one who has hesitantly taken the bite of humble pie. I rejoice now when I can look in retrospect and find where I went wrong. I enjoy searching for the next challenge. It is more than a numbers game. It is an emotions game. I find that if you fear what you really want you have already cheated yourself.
In my limited experiences so far, I have learned that personal fear creates limits, limits create boundaries and setting personal boundaries can be a terminal illness. Life is too short to assume that you or I can not achieve whatever our souls conceive!
I have a goal to be the best I can at all I put myself into. It is a waste not to. Life throws some curve balls, it is up to us, up to me, to position myself to hit it on target and score a successful outcome no matter what aspect of life I am batting in. This is, one of many chances I'll seize. If I use the appropriate tools to carve and chisel the life I have planned, I will breathe, speak, strive, and achieve as if every moment were my last, and in doing so....I will learn.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
"And I learn" an Essay, from 1999. Looking for incense, I found my inspirational words...
To live is to love and accept all that you are and will be. I believe it is BRAVE to see through the flimsy ideals and build, beckon and behave with clarity, humility and big big LOVE, KINDNESS and COMPASSION. Ive been told my heart is "Too big." I am everything in being nothing. Magic is everywhere, find it. Dare big. Dream bigger, and give with your whole heart. I feel the world and the people in it with a palpable humility that causes all kinds of things to laugh at. I fail. I fall. I stand again. So it goes...