Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Elephant Journal Article- "How Grief Changes People."

My first article for Elephant Journal!

If you have been a follower for long enough you know I have talked about this before, but in this article for the Elephant Journal I spare no truth about how grief really affected me. Not "the story" I held like a badge that was palatable and encouraged compliments of bravery, the REAL story on how it found me and how it ought me so much.

"How Grief Changes People" - Elephant Journal

15 things I learned from my Big-Fat-Failures.

It happens. You know it. I know it. Our self-berating negative self-talk knows it, but somewhere in the spaces between guilt and remorse and forgiveness of self and others there are lessons to be found. Here are fifteen of millions that I threw on a picture from last weekend in Michigan. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Peek-a-BOO! Where'd You Go Lulu?

So, I'm that annoying personality that disappears. Yes, as in "ghosts" from life, parties, blogs, anything that might lead one to believe they can feel comfortable with my long-term presence. It is a terrible trait and I am just now unlearning. I DO care. I DO value community and relationships, it's more an issue of I stop believing in my own value-add and save everyone the trouble of wishing I were not there or shut up...etc. That's honest. That's also a thing of the past. So here I am! (again.)

To my credit, life is busy. I'm learning how to be a single mother. I bought a house. I'm halfway through mediation in my divorce. Im truly writing a couple novels and trying to manage income through art and writing and most recently, I've been gardening and building a "She shed." Below a little ditty I whipped up for the room.

This past year, I've learned that I am a total introvert. More on that later. But I'm back and I missed holding myself accountable to posting and writing. I no longer write for The Huffington Post and will soon start writing for a new publication that I'm excited about.
I apologize for disappearing, and I have no expectations that I would regain such popularity as I had last year (in writing at least.)

I am here now. I start again, now. and I really really can't believe how much has happened in this past year. I'm grateful to share it with the four of you who might keep coming back. Thank you in advance.

That IS sarcasm, but I actually will be grateful.

Below are a few ways to take a look at some of the things I'm doing and the projects that are holding my time, attention and interest:

Mind you, I am not "complete" with any of it, but as I do things I am learning and as I learn I am doing more.

So bare with me as I navigate what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Funny enough, I have no idea where it is all going, but I truly am grateful if you hang around to share it with me.
Lulu ( Laila.)

The Peacock Heart llc.

My Public Facebook

White Lava


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Sunday, February 14, 2016

A Death, A Birthday, and a Hallmark Holiday- Valentine's day love....a little differently.

It's been awhile...
I know. I've been doing that thing we do when we are in between places of emotional health worth talking about. You know, not down enough to sob and grunt and connect, but not beaming and inspirational.

Today is Valentine's Day. It means a lot to me, but not in any way you would think. Yes, I made my son adorable hand-made valentines for pre-school....yes, I eat chocolate but that is about where it stops for me.

Here's a short five-minute video explaining what Valentine's day is to me. Here's a few minutes of your time to remind you about how fleeting love and life can be and how that isn't a scary or sad thing, rather the biggest reason to share, be, give and always love the ones you do, and even the one's you think you don't....because love is most important- Not a Tiffany's bag. Not an engagement ring size. Not the grades your child got in the latest comparison score tests for genius/gifted/grounded/super children.

No, What is important is that the people you love...know it.  At least, that's what I think (feel.) I've been wrong before...


"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

A Manifesto For the FU&%ing Middle.

This post was originally published in a different site of mine, but I thought I'd share here too. Short story is this: I meditate. I meditate every day. I haven't missed a day in over a year.
Strange things happen all the time. Ask anyone who knows me. ALL. THE. TIME, so I keep "Medijournals." Literally...I have about eight filled with my daily gratitude lists, love and light recipients...etc. ( see below pics.) 
Yesterday, sitting in my little serenity spot, I wrote the following, by hand, in the journal (see other pic) in about eight minutes.
 I'm not sure what I was on about, but I agree with me. I think. So there it is. The illustration above it was something Id started as a pastel underpainting that morning. My motivational speech to....ME? Meh. I like it. 
Note: Any "Clunky paragraphs," misspellings, missing commas, or awkward commas are the fault of Brent Jenkins. Thank you. 
We, I, you, the whole (thing), is fusing back in anti-Pangaea style. Pulled by the subconscious ocean of love, acceptance, truth and the loudening whispers of the general good that exists in the world.
We are the dreamers and the doers. The “don’t hate “ and “don’t take yourself so seriously, dude.” –type of “middle.” We, the ones who “ask to gain wisdom; but don’t preach for ‘follows” know that likes are a lonely barometer in a quite world of text, pings and insta-things.
Give OF yourself again, or… for the first time. GIVE a little in all this indulgent, bat-shit receiving.
Lean forward to your next “now” which is shared here- with me, us, all. Now is given to none of the elite or special, but allowed for each of us like time and money. Lean over and belly flop, swan dive or fall, fast into an open invitation from the universe that is letting you be WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
Risk the rebellion ripple. 
Risk the heart-stuff spilling. 
Risk the meaningless muse of “embarrassment” and “Also-ran” mentality in fear of losing. What if you don’t lose? Better yet, what if you WINbut on your terms, according to YOU?
How can anyone truly worry about the thoughts of a collective that’s cracked out on corn sugar, cunning politics, computers and the cold confusing anti-consciousness that looks like an energetic moving sleep-walkway?
Are we just too “busy” non-collaborating, self-congratulating and posting our false feats to social media as a judge and jury of hypocritical adults? These same adults, the meanest of which, are each hiding his own inner-child.
A “child” in them that is hidden but riddled with original hurts and therefore can’t truly see themselves because criticism distracts us while we are diligently amassing transient tokens to prove something. Others are feverishly manufacturing photos instead of creating experiences to heal and acknowledge a vulnerability that strangely, is possessed, by each and every other human on earth!
It’s all too much to ask, I know…Let’s wait for the “right time.” The “right circumstance” or “the right initiative.” Something will be at the end of the tunnel…. a light to illuminate us back to living or a train that this is dumbing down an entire existence, ego or entitlement generation., right? Right. You are right!
That is exactly what I’m talking about.
Scramble to the center. Few at first, but plenty…then…
Find those seeking sincerity, but try not to scowl at them for being so just because you forgot what it looked like. 
Leap into a love of self that is not selfish, but a necessary stepping-stone to raise, build or be a value-add in a family, workplace or society.
Trust yourself.
Believe in you, not in ways of being pious, exclusive and/or pretentious.
Engage in a loving, trusting compassion for all and fucking find some other word for “oneness” so you don’t feel too “esoteric”, “new-age” or “off mainstream.” (God Forbid, what would "they say about you?!)
But then, try it without judging or comparing or sizing up a way to realign more with the empty categories of “cool” some idiot spouted off on a twenty-four hour cable news channel.
Find your fucking fear and hold it in the deepest embrace you can muster.
Walk beside it, come what may, but stand solid and sure-footed In ALL of yourself, the whole shebang exactly AS YOU ARE….
HERE and desperately in this moment…you, I, they, we, together.
The “thing” we’re each waiting for. You are that “thing.”
You feel it and we can reveal it.
No attention-seeking cacophony and stir necessary.
Stand in yourself. 
Stand for something. 
Stand sincere
Stand silent or screaming, 
But know WHO you are.
Believe in betterment. 
 BE, TOGETHER, who we’ve been hoping would come to change us. Be here.
Be now. 
Be the bold Meliorism. Look it up. It’s a word…maybe not on wiki or UD, but it’s in your dictionary.
Love and levity and light and more love,
Sing with me: "It's gonna take a lotta looooo-vvvvveeee...."

"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Monday, December 28, 2015

5 Poems to Inspire Magic this New Year.

" What you see with your inner-eye, you meet sooner or later in the external." - Florence Scovel Shinn ("The Magic of Intuition.) 

I've found that there is no better way to ring in the new year, than to read something beautiful and inspiring. In a time of "revelations" and " holiday hang overs" and "resolutions for a new year" I find it all so empty.

Instead of creating goals based on a calendar, I try to bring in a new year with a new intention. An essence of the year is far stronger for me and it limits me not by the specifics of a goal, or failure; but by my imagination's way to get creative in betterment. That feels less like coming from a place of lack. 

I approach the year with an honest self-effaced intention to be more, or better or pushed farther than I was last year. To do this, I think it's important to see myself with a bit of an eye-roll and genuinely be tired of that "same old" pattern, persona, idea of whomever I present outwardly. Only then, do I truly become inspired for the wild dare of change and self-belief and momentum....

In no way do I think this is the only or best way to begin a year, but it is, indeed, the best way for me.

To be sick of my old self. See the next day, hour, year as a gift to become. To become...always to keep becoming....

Five poems I picked at random that are perfect for the occasion:

1.) A snippet from John O'donohue:
"A blessing for the "artist" at the start of the day":

"May your imagination know 
the grace of perfect danger, 
to reach beyond imitation, 

and the wheel of repetition, 
Deep into the call of all 
that unfinished and unsolved

Until the veil of the unknown yields, 
and something original begins, 
to stir toward your senses
and grown stronger in your heart

in order to comet to birth
in a clean line of form
that claims from time
a rhythm not yet heard, 
that calls space to
a different shape. 

may it be its own force field
and dwell uniquely 
between the heart and the light

to respires the hungry eye
by how deftly it fits
about its secret loss. "

2.) "The Self-Slaved" by Patrick Kavanagh:

Me I will throw away.
Me sufficient for the day
The sticky self that clings
Adhesions on the wings
To love and adventure,
To go on the grand tour
A man must be free
From self-necessity

See over there
A created splendour
Made by one individual
From things residual
With all the various
Qualities hilarious
Of what
Hitherto was not:

A November mood
As by one man understood;
Familiar, an old custom
Leaves falling, a white frosting
Bringing a sanguine dream
A new beginning with an old theme

Throw away thy sloth
Self, carry off my wrath
With its self-righteous
Satirising blotches.
No self, no self-exposure
The weakness of the proser
But undefeatable
By means of the beatable

I will have love, have love
From anything made of
And a life with a shapely form
With gaiety and charm
And capable of receiving
With grace the grace of living
And wild moments too
Self when freed from you.
Prometheus calls me: Son,
We’ll both go off together
In this delightful weather

3.)  From Dr. Suess. 
"You have brains in your head. 
You have feet in your shoes. 
You're on your own. And you know what you know. 
And you are the one who'll decide where to go."

4.) "What you Make it" - Emil Carl Aurin

"This old, old world is a dreary place
For the man whose pass is a frowning face; 
Who looks for the shadows instead of the light, 
For the sordid and dull instead of the bright, 
Who sees but the worry and labor and strife
Instead of the glory and sunshine of life.

But for him who possesses the saving grace
Of a laughing heart and a smiling face, 
Who sings at his work and laughs at defeat, 
and looks for the good and the bright and the sweet, 
Who cheers on his fellows by word and by deed, 
This world is a pleasant place indeed.

5.) A stanza from "Who I really am."

"Leave me without companion,
without camaraderie, and without friend, 
First take away the awareness of myself,
then let me see who I really am."
-Nashat Isfahani ("Love's Alchemy") 

And so it is all yours to learn, leave behind, let go of, live in, or love with....GO!

"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Words. Words. Words...

I have a friend  that I will leave nameless and refer to as "Jeff Weldy" who used to mock me and my long emails/instant starting a sentence and then writing: "words...words..words..." It never got old. Never.

"So there once was this old broad. She lived back in the eighteen hundreds, did stuff, said stuff and was wicked smart, like knew things and gave people good ideas for when they needed them. "

"A woman named Florence Scovel Schinn was, to me, a ingenue and prolific mentor whose thoughts and translations of life, spirit, universe, the collective and of course, common sense, still ring truer than nearly any "new age" teacher of today."

Two of her more popular books are titled: "The Game of Life." and "Your Word is Your Wand."

I have this debate all too often. People often tell me "you put too much value in words." or "Its semantics" or "Its not about the lyrics, its the music." or "They are just words, jeez, that's not what I meant."

Now, that would be fine and dandy if WORDS were not one of the main vessels of communication other than body language. Especially, in a day and age when people look at cell phones, tablets and computer screens instead of eyes, faces and feel the energy between two people sharing thoughts and feelings. I am on the "Your word is your wand." side of things.

Florence means it in many ways. ( So I believe.) Mostly in the idea that what you put into the universe matters. The vibrational power of saying or writing your goals, your dreams, your manifestations, your apologies...etc indeed carry some kind of power.  They actually have a weight and depth (atomically speaking) once they are released. She even goes on to say they are still extremely effective when NOT released. Who can argue that?

Say in your head only: "I'm a horrible person." twenty times and then say: "I'm a valuable, loving, and unique person of worth and smiles." Test that theory. You'll see what I mean.

So, back to words. Those "silly" letters put together to make sounds describe things. ( I jest.) Truly. I am so in love with words, and words mean everything to me. That said, I realize that we see (or hear) things as WE are, not as THEY are. I get that, and I am usually good at taking it into consideration. That does not mean I am not guilty of misplacing anger, transference or straight-up projecting my own crap into the words I say to others. I'm human.

In Florence Scovel Schinn's Book: "The Magic Path of Intuition" she talks often about manifesting and positive affirmations. In "lesson 3" she chose the word "Sweep" to explain how to clean out any inner words, thoughts, or ideas that do NOT SERVE you or your greater purpose.

"The word sweeps gives you a picture of action. This spiritual broom sweeps out all belief in lack, loss, failure, resentment, inharmony, sadness, etc. You are asleep to your good while these negative thoughts clutter your mental house. You resent someone, thereby giving that person power to harm you. You feel you are a failure, therefore missing your opportunity for brilliant success. You are overwhelmed with with a feeling of loss, and that friends and prosperity have gone from your life. You are still asleep in the "dream of opposites." Wake up and you will find a new world of health, wealth and happiness with every desire of your heart fulfilled. It is brought about by your word, for your word is your wand." 

Let me remind you, she was a America, published in 1925. It is so inspiring to me, and also disheartening, that we ( the collective) had such knowledge and still, STILL go on berating ourselves and each other instead of sweeping out the negative.

So here we are. I'm grabbing my emo-broom, today and for the entire new year of 2016.  How about you?

"Shimmer with a smile. Life is hard, bloom anyway."